Whew becoming pregnant at 21 really did a number on me. I know…I know I talk about being sad all the time, but I don’t think people truly understand. It was the most difficult point in my life. I had never felt that low in my life.
Before I had Alora I’d like to think I was a type-A person. I had a plan for everything, I used my planner religiously, and I knew what I was going to do in my life, and when I was going to do it. I had a plan and I stuck to it and become pregnant was NOT in the plan. After having her it took a lot of time for me to readjust, and quite honestly I don’t think I’ve completed adjusted. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so much better than what I was two years ago, but I’m not completely myself. I don’t think I’ll be pre-pregnancy Ciara and that’s okay because I became a mother and while I’m not upset about it…it’s a big change.
The process of getting myself together has been full of ups and downs and it hasn’t been easy at all. Figuring out I had a problem was the first step. My mom would tell me often that I needed to talk to someone about how I was feeling. It took me moving home to even start the journey. Moving home and being around family was the first actual step in recovery (I know it’s weird to speak of it like this, but that’s truly what I felt like. I needed to “recover” from having a baby). I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone, so I started to pray more and I created a list of “summer goals” that I wanted to achieve! Having something to work towards is good for me. I need to achieve something to feel like I have a purpose in my life and becoming a mother I felt like I failed and I couldn’t shake that. As I began to work on my goals I started to feel better. I prayed more and more and began to ask for clarity and peace. I started to better myself and my skills and started to feel like I had a purpose again and it was the BEST feeling ever.
Again, I am not 100%, okay but I am 1000% better and I have finally found my why again. I was meant to be a mom and have a successful career. Even though she wasn’t in the plan, she was the best part of my journey and while I thought she hindered me, she helps me more than she knows. She’s my why, the reason I work so hard, and she is what makes me strong. All this time I looked at being a mom at 22 as a bad thing, but it isn’t at all.
It took time for me to rebuild myself, but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. If you’re having a hard time rebuilding yourself after the birth of a child, take your time and figure out why you are so broken. Take time to cry and then pick yourself back up. If you need to talk to someone do it…get all the help you need. You can pick yourself back up and you will be okay!