Miscarriage: A Mother's Journey and Inner Thoughts
I had the opportunity to receive a mother's miscarriage story and I am happy that she trusted me to share this with my community. Take a read on her journey through and after her miscarriage.
“You’re pregnant!” are words many women dream to hear. When you’re young, you imagine the perfect guy, ring, wedding, and marriage. When the time is right the baby comes along making everything complete. At least, that’s how I imagined my life. I am an over-thinker and over-planner, so my life is planned out with all kinds of back up plans. Life likes to throw curveballs but in my case the whole kitchen sink. Those two words many women are happy to hear we're not what I expected at 21 years old. I wasn’t married, still in school, and wasn’t even dating the father. We were young, dumb and now we were gonna be parents. At that moment, my life flipped, my perfect plan ruined. I had so many thoughts running through my mind, but my main concern was to protect my baby. I wasn’t sure how everything was going to work out, but I know I couldn't lose my child. I felt oddly calm after a minute and I’m not going to lie, I grew excited. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I was ready in my mind, if I had to do it alone, I would. Now it wasn’t just me, it was us. My baby was a part of me, inside me, feeling everything I felt, it was a piece of me....until it wasn’t.
Just as fast as my excitement came, so did disappointment. My body couldn’t handle me being sick and the baby. I lost my child, I lost my baby and I lost myself. I felt like the one thing that I’ve always wanted was ripped away, the moments that I envisioned were now shattered. At that moment, I didn't understand, at that moment I was so angry. It’s a feeling that I can't even describe, you literally feel empty, numb and unless you’ve gone through the pain of feeling your baby pass through you, you’ll never understand. My heart was broken, I tried so hard to understand, turn to God. “Why?” “What did I do wrong?” “Why my baby”?. There wasn’t anything really anyone could say or do to make it better. I never told my parents and only close friends knew. The loss took a toll on the barley there relationship I had with the father. We were both young and not sure what to do in this situation. No one does, but we definitely did know how to be there for each other. It was hard for us to understand each other, we both thought we were being selfish or inconsiderate. At times, I felt like he didn’t care or it didn’t really affect him. I was beyond angry at him sometimes I blamed him. It was just unfair to us. It’s something we will both remember. I remember looking at pregnant women sad or babies just broken. I would think about my child and how many months I would be, or what I would've named it. When my friend became pregnant, I was ecstatic but my heart was hurt because what about my baby? Those feelings she got to experience, I wanted to experience.
I know it’s not the end of the world and being a mom isn’t out of reach, but after you lose a child, it doesn’t really make you wanna try again. I felt alone. I was in a dark place for a while, I tried to commit suicide and God saved me, it was no one but him. I decided I needed help and I really needed to grieve properly for my baby. It was hard opening up and talking about it and really getting past it. I just didn’t want to forget him or her, I was fearful of moving past it because of that, but eventually, I did and I was healthy and doing good until I found out my uterus is heart-shaped and my chances of having kids aren’t very high. Once again the excitement is now disappointment, I felt like I lost another baby. Am I broken? Why me again?
I vowed after the last time to not let myself go back to that dark place, not give in. The temptation was there, the comfort of the darkness was all too familiar and I wanted to go so bad, but I thought about my baby, I thought about how strong it would want me to be. I’m still working past this news, but I’m not in a dark place. I still think about my baby, what it would like? How old it would be? Would it have my hair things like that. I get sad from time to time, but I’m happy knowing I have an angel in heaven. I hope someday that God will grant me the blessing of being a mom and that when I hear those two words, it’ll be exciting.